


The Impossibility of Not Falling In Love With You (Again)

by MariekoWest



Category: Bartimaeus Trilogy
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe, Angst, Dark Themes (in later chapters), Fluff(?), High School, M/M, NSFW, Other, Possible OOC-ness, Shounen-ai, Uke Nathaniel, Yaoi, キティ・ジョーンス, サイモン・ラヴレース, ナサニエル/ジョン・マンドレーク, ナサニエル受け, バーティミアス/バーティメアス, プトレマイオス/トレミ, ヤオイ, 少年愛
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:38:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MariekoWest/pseuds/MariekoWest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Orphaned at age six, pale and withdrawn Johnathan Drake (Nathaniel) must prove his worth as heir to a coveted family fortune he doesn’t even want. Throw in Simon Loveless (Lovelace), the step-uncle who thinks he never will; and Lemy Tolp (Ptolemy), the charming step-brother who outshines him in all departments and happens to own the one thing Nathan really wants (but doesn't know it yet): the heart of his number one antagonist at school, Bartholomew Hughes (Bartimaeus). Will he take all or lose all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beating Time

For one who has lived forever, ' _unforgettable'_  ceases to simply be something that is very hard to forget.

When in a single drop lost in a faceless sea of allness and nothingness,  _remains_ a drop;

In all the endlessness of eternity, a steadfast heartbeat.

Everything you thought you knew no longer exists outside but within it.

When you awaken for the first time-

And there is  _nothing else_.

 

 _Unforgettable,_  was when I met  _him_.

 

The boy whose soul was a fireball in a sky of nondescript stars. He burned and blazed brightest of all, falling too hard and extinguishing himself too fast.

I had completely and unwittingly allowed myself to be tamed from the start. Forging a bond so strong; compelling me to stay with him far longer than any of my kind has ever been known to. Until the very limit of my threshold of existence had been defied and only the remaining dregs of my fading essence being plucked away could wrench me from his side. Even when the nothingness reclaimed me, my consciousness remained with him. I knew that if only I was free to do so…

 

 _I would stay with him forever_.


	2. Blue

For reasons that continued to elude it **(1)** , the Drake estate’s undisclosed resident- a coal grey wildcat, once again didn’t remember how it had managed to get stuck in a tree twenty feet up.

(1)  _most likely chasing after supper: an imp in the guise of a field mouse_

Too lazy at the moment to ponder how to get down or change shape into something for just that purpose, it decided instead, that a nap was in order. Perhaps, after it had digested its meal and got a good rest, it would be able to gather up the necessary motivation to get on with life…

No sooner had it settled comfortably and began to doze off, when muffled sobs reached its sensitive feline ears, making it twitch involuntarily.

It was late afternoon. The sun was beginning to retire, and this part of the estate’s enormous garden that bordered the woods with a wide flowing stream, was a spot it considered its exclusive territory. The human inhabitants usually never encroached upon it.

Somewhat irritably, it looked towards the source of the disturbance and found a tiny human boy.  _Ah_. This must be the new master of the estate whom it got wind of from a gossipy pigeon _._ Apparently, the boy had just moved in after his mother and father passed away in a car accident. **(2)**   And though tragic as it was for this little human, life had to go on for him. A good cry was usually a necessary catharsis.

(2)  _Such is the fragility of mortal life! It was –as the humans themselves often said, “a bitch”._

It knew all the members of the Drake Family -even the servants, but it preferred to keep its distance. It was never one for mingling with the humans. **(3)** But it was the first time it laid eyes on its young master; and in a moment of curiosity, it had forgotten its usual circumspection.

(3)  _Silly, nonsensical creatures! Some with follies so notoriously infectious, the merest interaction could have fatal consequences._

As it gazed insipidly at the new master of the estate, it couldn’t help a twinge of sympathy. **(4)** However, with an hour’s passing, pity turned into outright amazement. _How could such a minute creature expend so much tears for hours on end?_  Obviously, the boy had already cried a sufficient much even before he got here **(5)**. The cat grew impatient **(6)** waiting for the boy to get tired of crying.

(4)  _Well, the thing did look quite pitiable! Tiny, spindly, deathly pallor for one so young –surely no more than seven years old- and at that moment, most inconsolable._  
(5)  _going by how splendidly bedraggled he already was_    
(6)  _and perhaps a tad disconcerted_  

It was exhausted from playing all day and had already made up its mind to sleep **(7)**. Why would it relinquish its post just to give way to a noisy little human? Gathering what it could of its reserve energy, it huffed dramatically and let out a low keening yowl; every bit a perfect expression of its displeasure at having been deprived of peace and quiet.

(7)  _because goodness knows that changing form was a such a bother when one was tired!_

Almost instantly, the boy’s soft albeit vehement sobs halted.  _Well, good!_ Thought the cat. _At least the thing finally stopped crying!_

But in the next second, its otherworldly auriferous eyes fall into alignment with a pair of unblinking opalescent pools of blue.

Although bleary and framed by a tear-stained countenance, those eyes were unexpectedly big, bright, and sharp with intelligence. The sun’s fading radiance seemed to be uncannily trapped within it; as though the sea and the sunset had become one; shimmering iridescently like an otherworldly kaleidoscopic looking glass, perfectly offsetting the dimness around him. It caught the cat completely off-guard. In all its existence, the cat has never seen anything like it, and so it found itself powerless to look away.

The cat and the boy stared for a  _very, very_  long moment.

When the boy blinked and wiped his face, the spell was broken. He began to move closer, keeping his eyes on the feline.

The said feline -momentarily disorientated- took a bit longer to realize that, for all intents and purposes…  _it was being rescued!_ **(8)**

(8)  _Which was outrageous of course! No cat needed rescuing from a tree! If you should in any of your wanderings find a cat up in the tree, rest assured, it is there of its own choosing, and not because it is afraid of heights or -even more preposterous a prospect- did not know how to go down._

The cat took a defensive stance and let out a slow, indignant hiss – _a warning of sorts-_  to communicate such. But humans tended to understand so little! **(9)**. Besides, we are talking  _twenty feet_ , and this particular human was only a little over three! Not to mention so infinitesimally tiny and frail-looking! How he thought he could possibly manage the feat of climbing such a height was beyond the cat’s comprehension.

(9) _And this child obviously considered himself important enough to be needed by a cat! Honestly!_

So aghast was the cat at being put in such an insulting and humiliating situation that it instinctively backed away from the approaching boy, causing the unimaginable to happen…

An ungainly feline cry ripped the evening’s quietude, accompanied by furious and ultimately futile clawing; followed by a loud splash, and an unceremoniously long –and very wet- struggle which involved a lot of flailing, hissing, snarling, and scratching; that tragically ended with the cat‘s defeat **(10)** ; after which- said minuscule human  _imagines_  the rescued cat had  _stopped breathing_ , and was actually audacious enough to add further insult to its injured pride by giving it…  _mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!_

(10)  _rotten luck that I was already exhausted to begin with, and it didn’t help that the minuscule human happened to be a skilled swimmer!_

The cat –although wet, exasperated and utterly demoralized- still had enough sane bits intact to know when it was bested. And so it no longer bothered to resist as the persistent mortal confirmed it was alive, wrapped it snugly within his coat, huddled the shivering ball of fur tight against his chest; and after much bouncing and bumping -apparently taking it somewhere in a furious sprint, the hapless creature soon found itself carefully deposited into a human bed, hastily blow dried, and being offered a saucer of milk. **(11)**

(11)  _And cow’s milk no less! The mere notion of it was ghastly!_

When the human began to stroke its still matted fur, the cat finally came to from its stupor. It sprung to its feet and bristled; hissing as menacingly as it could muster.  _Really, it was all too much to bear!_  No human has ever dared subject it to such bold-faced effrontery! One moment it was enjoying its freedom and having a peaceful dinner of freshly chased imp; the next minute it was being cat-napped by a wisp of a human child and now being treated like a common house pet! **(12)** It defiantly clawed and bit and puffed itself up- every bit determined to escape.

(12)  _Cat-napping and being domesticated-_   _it bore no difference to a true cat of my fine stature whatsoever!_

Unfortunately, the cat still hadn’t recovered from its previous strenuous attempts at escape. If only this human would realize that it didn’t need his help! And that leaving it alone would have been help enough – _thank you very much!_ \- because then, it could have easily transformed into an eagle or a trout and all would have been well.

But it would not leave the distraught creature alone, therefore it could not change form. So the cat was forced to parry its captor’s attacks in its current form -which was proving yet again inferior to the deceptively frail-looking human. **(13)**

(13) _I’m usually very keen at discerning a human’s strength, but I had to make an exception in this boy’s case. Not even the best of us could have possibly ascertained from his diminutive form that he was a practised swimmer, a sure and swift runner, and a worthy jousting opponent in terms of reflexes and endurance. As it stood, I had been caught completely unprepared._

The cat eventually relented its struggle against the boy’s entreating caresses; if only to regain some of its dwindling strength. Upon doing so, it had realized that the human had –at some point- rested his head on the bed and was now below the creature’s eye-level.

Now if this cat had been a dishonourable one, it probably would have taken the opportunity to gouge the human’s eyes out. But lucky for him it wasn’t. And besides, the boy was hardly defending himself, and the cat wasn’t one to attack without provocation. So calming somewhat, their gazes locked, and for the second time that night, it found itself apprehended by the boy’s blue eyes.

This time staring into it from the lampshade’s more direct and artificial illumination cast the boy’s face in an eerie clarity. The cat realized how truly young this human was; and yet his eyes held a profound weight that seemed only befitting to an adult. It seemed rather out of place, like some kind of morbid injustice… Seeing those young innocent blue eyes filled with such heavy emotion felt like being tethered to ball and chains, and sinking into a bottomless ocean. But all the same its icy azure brightness -softened and bleary at the edges- remained stunning as ever, and the longer the cat became mesmerised by it, the more it seemed to forget to mind that it was drowning in them.

The boy blinked and again, broke the spell. And just like that, the cat had forgotten what it had been so indignant about, completely disarmed.

The boy’s eyes were red, swollen, and painfully wistful. His ivory pale face stained with tear tracks, and the entirety of his elegant -if not gaunt and almost feminine- visage was marred with grief. His thin red lips trembled uncontrollably even as he forced a smile on them for the cat, trying his best not to look anything but playful.

The cat frowned inwardly, quite affronted. **(14)** But despite its proud nature and absolute dispassion for mortals and their dreary existence, the cat finally deflated and settled into the boy’s gentle stroking, and even allowed itself to be hugged tight **(15)** , as the troubled little human continued to sob and heave and tear with gaining intensity. **(16)**

(14)  _I suppose he deserved some credit for his effort. But if we were to endure this night together, I would much rather appreciate not being taken for a fool. I wasn’t so dense to be fooled by his pathetic attempts at being friendly. He could at least try harder than this if he wanted to convince someone as astute as I!_    
(15) _never a comfortable thing for a live cat, I can assure you. It was by no means a meagre sacrifice_  
(16) _I do believe my little act of submission touched him so, and he was sensible enough to know I knew better, so he finally gave up the ridiculous pretence of a happy countenance. Good call too. Cats are an especially sharp lot to human emotions, mind you. More than you probably suspect._  

Perhaps it was the fact that this boy had “technically speaking”  _tried_  to rescue it from a tree; which led to it falling into the stream and needing  _actual_  saving. **(17)**  And so despite all those misfortunes “technically speaking” being  _his_  fault to begin with, the human was  _still –for all intents and purposes-_  being kind.

(17)  _I still can’t decide whether to be grossly impressed or plain shocked by his apparent know-how in resuscitating animals. I can’t tell if he did the right thing (obviously because I was breathing fine!), but I can tell however, that he’s bound to get a tummy-ache later. Imp essence does not agree with the human body, believe me. I saw a derelict human once catch a rat, cook and eat it; not thinking for one second that it wasn’t really a rat. The man’s body broke out in painful boils that very evening. (Of course, his case was an extreme example since he ate the whole bloody thing. This boy merely got a taste of what remained of the imp’s essence from my mouth, so I imagine he’ll survive in far better shape. I hope. No one asked him to give this cat mouth-to-mouth! Not my fault.)_  

And so, the cat -a well-mannered honourable being after all that knew gratitude and forbearance- let the boy gain what measly comfort it sought from turning it into a  _living, breathing_ substitute for a stuffed animal, where a perfectly on hand pillow **(18)** would have sufficed. After all, the cat did feel a strangely familiar and yet still indescribable tug in its heartstrings **(19)**  for the first time in a hundred years. And contrary to what most godforsaken prosaic humans believe, cats  _do_ have compunctions _._ **(20)**

(18)  _A_   _more than ample supply of it lay dormant all around us, I lazily observed as I was getting the life crushed out of me._    
(19)  _Yes, we do have heartstrings- and very sensitive ones too, mind you. Humans are simply the last thing on earth that ever manage to pluck at it._    
(20) _Especially so, after realizing how many red angry scratch marks I had unintentionally adorned his face with._ **(21)**   _And I -a being of noble principles- do not adhere to unnecessary violence.  
_ (21)  _It was an honest mistake. Normally, other creatures –especially humans- would be howling in pain after a few jabs of my finely sharpened claws. This queer human boy did not even flinch nor cry out the least! Okay, so maybe he did flinch several times, but he wouldn’t let go! It was purely self-defence! (And yes, that’s a footnote within a footnote. It happens.)_   

However, as you may have already cleverly conjectured: this cat was no ordinary cat, and it was by no means going to be reduced to a mere human’s pet,  _oh no_. This human may have earned his living-furry-fluffy “pillow time”, and this cat was going to be forbearing and gracious about it- enough to let him literally and figuratively squeeze this living pillow of all the comfort that it was worth. But _afterwards_  - when the boy has finally cried himself to sleep- it would slip out of his choking clutches and back into the embrace of sweet freedom! Never again to return!

_At least- that was this exceptionally intelligent cat’s plan._

Until the next day, and the day after that; stretching on to the week that followed- wherein those accursedly ethereal blue eyes haunted its every waking moment of freedom. The cat longed to gaze into and be lost in them all over again! Missing it like a dreamer would the constellations; feeling frightfully empty all of a sudden at being deprived of it. More often than not, it caught itself thinking of the boy and wondering if he still cried himself to sleep…

_Did he find comfort hugging his lifeless pillows? Or did he need something more substantial and warm to hold on to, to alleviate his sorrow? Whatever the things that ailed him, had it been overcome?_

_Alas!_  Against all better judgement, the cat finally gave in and returned to watch the boy as he slept from his bedroom window -which he kept open despite the freezing cold, evidently expecting his feline friend to return. It went on for a few nights of the week at first, and then the cat began to watch the boy during the daytime as well. From a distance, as he poured over countless books in the library; or during the rare occasions of agreeable weather- outside in the grass as he leisurely read a book. Sometimes the boy would fall asleep when a lulling breeze brought with it the promise of pleasant dreams, and the corners of his lips would ever so subtly twitch upward, in a genuinely happy smile. The cat knew by then that he was most likely dreaming of his mother, whom he loved most of all, but had lost along with his father in the tragic car accident on the afternoon of that fateful day that they had first met.

It was some weeks later that the cat –with its ever-present compunctions nipping at its essence at the still faithfully open window despite the deathly December frost- finally succumbed to its desire to be with the boy again.

It had observed on many occasions how the maid had entered his room to check on him, and raised a storm in a tea-kettle over the suicidal recklessness of the open window; chastising him quite thoroughly that Jack Frost wasn’t one to be reckoned with. But as soon as the maid removed herself from his room, he would jump out of the thick covers and fling open the windows, looking left and right, high and low; a worried crease set upon his young brow, faint remnants of the cat’s scratches still decorating his face, and yet… he never stopped worrying about its state of affairs; cat-calling, and shouting its name as loud as he could afford to without drawing attention to himself from the house help down below. Until finally he would be forced to retire for the night albeit forlornly, but still -as a last ditch effort- keeping at least half of the window open, and awaiting the cat’s return.

The cat could not believe this human’s stubborn perseverance! With a deep sigh, it descended from the nearby tree branch that was its observing post, and finally leaps into the open window and up into the boy’s bed; squeezing and wriggling underneath his slack arms, purposefully getting between the  _dead pillow_  and the boy’s chest and -after kicking the annoying pillow off the bed **(22)** \- settled down as comfortably as it could in its nest.

(22)  _with much haughty satisfaction_

Expectedly, the boy is woken by all the movement, and for the first time since the day they met- countless tears once again streaked down his face. Only this time, they were of intense joy and relief. The cat wheezed as it was hugged and kissed and stroked, and at last the window was closed! and the boy contentedly settled into the bed with his living pillow which was held close, saving him from a night’s fitful sleep.

The cat in turn sighed, feeling relaxed and truly warm for once in a long time. It didn’t give much thought to the fuzziness blossoming in its chest, nor to the exciting prospect of again getting a proper glimpse of those blue eyes tomorrow… And as the week’s toil finally dissipated, giving way to creeping slumber, it reasoned in the back of its mind that this wasn’t so bad… it needed a place to stay for the winter anyway.

_And maybe for all the coming winters of as many winters as it could afford to stay._

It was an unusually perfect sunny morning in June, when the cat decided it was time. Like all prideful, honourable cats, it would not have its human witness and grieve over its death; so it was always prudent to become scarce before said tragedy occurred.

So as the cat gently nudged and licked and rubbed up affectionately against his sleeping human’s cheek for the last time -its cat form faltering and wobbling in its depleting life energy- a piercing ache washed over its collective essence. **(23)** It was the same kind of ache it felt when it had tried to leave the boy almost three years ago,  _only much, much worse_.

(23)  _I believe it is akin to what humans call “heartbreak”_

It knew was going to miss its human terribly; for everything he had, he shared with the cat: a warm bed, lots of space to play in, much seasoned imp-mice to eat **(24)** , and a living scratching post whenever it needed to vent its frustrations or simply groom its claws. And overall, despite the boy’s initial gloomy disposition, he had turned out to be an excellent master. It treated the cat with unfaltering respect, deepest love, and the cheeriest of friendships- all far exceeding anything any (djinni in the guise of a) stray cat could ever ask for.

(24) _the old mansion was crawling with it_

When the boy turns eighteen, he is to be the sole heir of a great deal of his late father’s fortune and the entirety of the estate down to the last blade of grass. But as this required that he adhere to a strict regimen of well-rounded education and training for his future responsibilities, he had no time to play outside and make friends as normal children his age do.

He didn’t have any other family left either, except a step-uncle who managed the estate and business until he came of age. The boy barely knew him, let alone talked to him- for the simple reason that the man was hardly ever around. All he gathered from their very brief and cold encounters was that he was one of severely austere disposition, and would frown upon any sort of dawdling about and a hair out of place in his head.

There was also a step-brother of almost the same age, only older by eleven months, who had come to live in the estate after he was recently orphaned as well. But friendship was far to be expected from the said step-brother, because he all but resented the boy for their late father’s unreserved nepotism.

To the cat’s incredulity, the first time they met and the time he returned were the  _last and only times_  the boy allowed himself to shed so much tears and indulge in sorrow and self-pity. It was largely due to the somewhat harsh circumstances that surrounded the boy, that the cat stayed with him. In the cat’s company, the boy allowed himself to smile, laugh; and enjoy many secret walks and explorations in the forest beyond their estate whenever he finished his duties **(25)**  earlier than scheduled.

(25) Which he did impeccably, I have to say.

With him,  _the boy had a friend._

The cat would have done anything in its power to stay. But as it was, that was the only thing it wanted now, that was beyond its power.

 

So as the cat gave in to staring at its human  _one last time_ , feeling weighed down by the aforementioned ache which had grown exponentially in the span of its short trip from the boy’s bed to its present perch on the windowsill, it dallied for as long as it could...

“I’m quite sure of it now,” said the cat softly; disconsolately.

There was a secret happiness welling from its heart despite the agony that accompanied it. And it felt pride at being able to experience such a silly wonderful thing, even if it practically tore what remained of its essence to shambles.

_Whether I had nine or nine thousand lives I would gladly spend all of it all over again by your side._

_“I love you.”_

And with a final glance, and a regrettable stab of sorrow at not being able to gaze a last time upon blue eyes that it had grown so fond of- the cat vanished into the darkness beyond…

_Good-bye, Nathaniel._

 

And the boy, for the third instance in his life, cried much tears when he awoke  _and never saw his cat Bartimaeus again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was bound to happen sooner than never. Merp.


End file.
